Guatemalan Cave
I remember:
The smell of pine and moist earth
rich mud sticking to our shoes
mist and slipperiness
hands held awkwardly during our descent
Holiness
so many candles
the darkness lit in shadows
rocks jutting up
uneven ledges
water dripping down
I remember:
The medicine of mystery
Mayan and Catholic
Christian and Pagan
Memory
Deep magic
Whisperings of angels
Hints of underworld
Fragments of paper
Silent prayers unfurled
Flickering trinkets
Photos weighed down
People’s lost faces
Glowing underground
The scent of oppression
Yet also strength renewed
Sacred power thriving
Ancient, sturdy roots
I remember:
I fell in rapture
I stayed in longing
I went underground
*************************************************************************************
Guatemalan Cave (revisited)
I go there now, by surprise
On my darkest days, in my deepest dreams
Why?
What is it I’m longing to find?
Escape from my suffering, and long-term distractions?
Faith burning bright, amidst all the shadows?
Grief contained, but not buried or chained?
Permission to change, against all expectations?
Perhaps only this:
Remembrance
Mystery
Solidarity
Acceptance of
Awkward hands
Wounded hearts
Water from angels,
Dripping
down
down
down
Reminding me:
Wealth is not the gift it seems
Peace is not a commodity but neither as elusive as the clouds
I don’t know
When or How
I’ll find the things I seek
Maybe never
Maybe never in this waking dream
But I can remember:
A cave where
Holiness dwells
A place to breathe in
deep earth richness
Water that drips,
clear and sweet,
unto my cheeks,
baptizing me
in forgiveness
*************************************************************************************
Guatemalan Cave (remembered)
I was washed free of many false beliefs:
My faith in well-laid plans,
My notions that the world was fair
I became as tangible as flame,
intangible as the spirit that remains
And all truth since has brought me back to paradox:
The dark is safety
Rest is the necessary key to change
Hiddeness can save me
I’m often stripping down and peeling back and
Digging up the past
I do not—when I’m sane--obey convention
*************************************************************************************
Guatemalan Cave (reprise)
The cave is dark
The cave is deep
The cave is safe from politics and false beliefs
Hidden beneath soft grass of green
Pushing up buds in hues of Mayan lovely
To go is dangerous
Almost unbearable in the truth of all that stands as true
in this harsh land where plans aren’t ours and
we must die a thousand blooming times
for roots
Underground the roots give rain
Lines are always flickering
Faith hides in mist and sticks when slopes are slippery
Unspoken prayers are tangible as whispers
Religion blends and faces all are glowing,
Sacred souls of friends oppressed and dead
Yet
Living, thriving news of all we wish for
I remember this:
Astounding evidence
I went and go
to stay and hold
And choose
this underworld
Friday, September 16, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Am I a Christian?
Here I am,a stranger on my own dashboard, posting again after a 19 month sabbatical. I can give you a bunch of excuses why I haven't been blogging, but I will take some brilliant advice I heard last week (from my own mouth no less), and apologize instead of giving excuses. Sorry for taking so long! I know those of you who "follow" me have been waiting and hoping I'd start posting again, and for this I thank you. Partly because of your encouragement I'm back for today at least, and my computer is cooperating....
The topic of the day is courtesy of my (Jason's) cousin Jaime. I want to thank her for her transparency, vulnerability, and bravery in her Aug. 24 post to her blog, The Faith Experiment (http://www.thefaithexperiment.com/). I read it in bed one morning as I was waking up, and it inspired a "writing attack"--an eight page non-stop scribbling in my journal at the dining room table. I was blown away by the strength of my voice in response to the question Jaime had been asked by her readers, which she chose to leave hanging at the end of her blog: "Are you a Christian?". I read my response to Jason over coffee, delighted that I actually had an answer to a question that had made me cringe on far too many awkward occasions. For the first time in many, many, many, seasons, I can stand behind my answer proudly, knowing that it is not something I need to defend, but that it is an expression of my current thoughts on a subject I have wrestled with, and will continue to wrestle in, for as long as I draw breath. My answer then, is not an end (not polished or edited either!), but an ongoing conversation to be had with those stubborn enough (as I am) to insist on a faith and a God that constantly defies (outgrows) our definitions. So without further be-laboring of the fact (since my son Caleb has informed me I am wont to do on all subjects), I give you my answer. It is dedicated to all of you--those who will love it AND those who will hate it. But most especially, this is dedicated to Jaime. I hope this encourages you to keep being real in all the ways you can.
Are you Christian?
That, my friend, is a loaded question!
Are you asking if:
I agree with the Crusades, where the blood of "pagans" and "infidels" was taken in rage?
Are you asking if:
I hate, or at least am afraid of Muslims and Buddhists and Jews and Hindus and all the teachings and texts that explain the universe in different ways than the version King James?
Are you asking if:
I hate gays, or at least think that they are deluded in many evil ways, along with women who choose to have sex, unwed, drug lords and pot heads, drunkards and the mentally insane?
Are you asking if:
I think that I am (thankfully) saved from an eternity of damnation, while I carry the burden of worry and conversion for the multitude of confused and belligerent, damned to condemnation?
Are you asking if:
I am, above all things,
Sure of God
Sure of Country
Sure of a Religion that makes lines between
Wrong and Right
Saved and Unsaved
Sure of Wholly justified and unjustified violence
(who kills whom and when is it blessed)
Lines Lines Lines
and Measurements
(that add up sinful actions and weigh this against motions taken to prove repentance)
Are you asking all that when you ask me this:
"Are you Christian?"
Because the answer is easy then, my friend. The answer is, as you might now guess,
God help me, no!
God save us, no!
Or just,
No No No
But am I Christian?
Do I believe that Christ came as a man and yet as divine and explained by his life how beloved I am?
Do I believe that divinity aims to awake daily inside our amazing hearts and brains and inspire us to great heights of creativity, courage and transformation?
Do I believe that a text set down by ancient Jewish men and subject to many manly translations still remains a guide for a contemporary life?
(as with recipes passed down through generations, where ingredients change but with care and time the results are no less nourishing--food full of memory, mystery, miracle sustenance...)
Do I believe in a force of sacred unity that is as close as my next breath?
Do I believe that my earthly form was made in the image of one too fantastical to name with one name or explain with my brain but is:
LOVE,
moving mountains,
bringing rain to dry places,
forgiving murderers and rapists and
all the actions of the criminally insane?
Do I believe that I am one of them--the criminally insane--and that the point is not to be:
All knowing
All powerful
All right
but rather
All grace?
Do I believe that there is an evil more dangerous than the three-second snake that can make my life a living hell--that I could make the mistakes that Hitler did by choosing hate
day after day after day?
Do I believe in freedom that lives behind prison gates?
Do I believe in love that extends enlightenment to all who request, whether Buddhist or Lesbian, Priest or Evangelist, Muslim or Democrat, Guru or Gang Banger?
Do I believe in faith that creates communities where:
the hungry are fed
the lame walk
the lost are found
heaven is no longer a place in the clouds?
Are you asking all that when you ask me this:
"Are you a Christian?"
Then, my friend, the answer is this:
Yes Yes Yes!
Amen!
The topic of the day is courtesy of my (Jason's) cousin Jaime. I want to thank her for her transparency, vulnerability, and bravery in her Aug. 24 post to her blog, The Faith Experiment (http://www.thefaithexperiment.com/). I read it in bed one morning as I was waking up, and it inspired a "writing attack"--an eight page non-stop scribbling in my journal at the dining room table. I was blown away by the strength of my voice in response to the question Jaime had been asked by her readers, which she chose to leave hanging at the end of her blog: "Are you a Christian?". I read my response to Jason over coffee, delighted that I actually had an answer to a question that had made me cringe on far too many awkward occasions. For the first time in many, many, many, seasons, I can stand behind my answer proudly, knowing that it is not something I need to defend, but that it is an expression of my current thoughts on a subject I have wrestled with, and will continue to wrestle in, for as long as I draw breath. My answer then, is not an end (not polished or edited either!), but an ongoing conversation to be had with those stubborn enough (as I am) to insist on a faith and a God that constantly defies (outgrows) our definitions. So without further be-laboring of the fact (since my son Caleb has informed me I am wont to do on all subjects), I give you my answer. It is dedicated to all of you--those who will love it AND those who will hate it. But most especially, this is dedicated to Jaime. I hope this encourages you to keep being real in all the ways you can.
Are you Christian?
That, my friend, is a loaded question!
Are you asking if:
I agree with the Crusades, where the blood of "pagans" and "infidels" was taken in rage?
Are you asking if:
I hate, or at least am afraid of Muslims and Buddhists and Jews and Hindus and all the teachings and texts that explain the universe in different ways than the version King James?
Are you asking if:
I hate gays, or at least think that they are deluded in many evil ways, along with women who choose to have sex, unwed, drug lords and pot heads, drunkards and the mentally insane?
Are you asking if:
I think that I am (thankfully) saved from an eternity of damnation, while I carry the burden of worry and conversion for the multitude of confused and belligerent, damned to condemnation?
Are you asking if:
I am, above all things,
Sure of God
Sure of Country
Sure of a Religion that makes lines between
Wrong and Right
Saved and Unsaved
Sure of Wholly justified and unjustified violence
(who kills whom and when is it blessed)
Lines Lines Lines
and Measurements
(that add up sinful actions and weigh this against motions taken to prove repentance)
Are you asking all that when you ask me this:
"Are you Christian?"
Because the answer is easy then, my friend. The answer is, as you might now guess,
God help me, no!
God save us, no!
Or just,
No No No
But am I Christian?
Do I believe that Christ came as a man and yet as divine and explained by his life how beloved I am?
Do I believe that divinity aims to awake daily inside our amazing hearts and brains and inspire us to great heights of creativity, courage and transformation?
Do I believe that a text set down by ancient Jewish men and subject to many manly translations still remains a guide for a contemporary life?
(as with recipes passed down through generations, where ingredients change but with care and time the results are no less nourishing--food full of memory, mystery, miracle sustenance...)
Do I believe in a force of sacred unity that is as close as my next breath?
Do I believe that my earthly form was made in the image of one too fantastical to name with one name or explain with my brain but is:
LOVE,
moving mountains,
bringing rain to dry places,
forgiving murderers and rapists and
all the actions of the criminally insane?
Do I believe that I am one of them--the criminally insane--and that the point is not to be:
All knowing
All powerful
All right
but rather
All grace?
Do I believe that there is an evil more dangerous than the three-second snake that can make my life a living hell--that I could make the mistakes that Hitler did by choosing hate
day after day after day?
Do I believe in freedom that lives behind prison gates?
Do I believe in love that extends enlightenment to all who request, whether Buddhist or Lesbian, Priest or Evangelist, Muslim or Democrat, Guru or Gang Banger?
Do I believe in faith that creates communities where:
the hungry are fed
the lame walk
the lost are found
heaven is no longer a place in the clouds?
Are you asking all that when you ask me this:
"Are you a Christian?"
Then, my friend, the answer is this:
Yes Yes Yes!
Amen!
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